u will be missed tim hodlestan :’(
This is the one time of year that I love wasps.
Not because the wasps themselves get any nicer. They’re horrid little creatures year round. No, it’s because I have a couple of big apple trees out back, and late August, early September is when the apples start ripening.
Now, if you don’t harvest your own fruit, there are two things you need to know about apples.
The first thing you need to know about apples is that, when apples get ripe, they tend to fall from the tree at the slightest breeze.
I often work late at the office; by the time I get home, there are piles of apples scattered everywhere - and sure enough, the wasps are out in force, gorging themselves on the fruit. When I go to clean up the windfallen apples, the wasps naturally do the “rawr, I’ma fuck you up!” routine for which wasps are known.
The second thing you need to know about apples is that they ferment very rapidly in the late August heat.
So: the wasps try to come at me, but they’re too drunk to fly. They get about an inch off the ground, then faceplant directly into the turf, flip over onto their backs, and lay there, legs twitching in the air as they try in vain to find something to sting.
Perhaps I’m a man of simple pleasures, but I bust up laughing every. single. time.
This is the best thing I have heard all week.
celebrities that get more shit than they should:
- nicki minaj
- miley cyrus
- lindsay lohan
- taylor swift
celebrities that don’t get enough shit:
- justin bieber
- nash grier
- justin bieber
notice how the first list is all women leading the industry. notice how the second list is two teenage boys who think they run shit but they’re hurting people.
When I worked at a fast food restaurant, I did a social experiment.
One day, I asked “do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?” No one went against gender roles.
The next day, it was “do you want a doll toy or a car toy?” Boys got dolls. Girls got cars.
Vocabulary is important.
THAT IS GORGEOUS
heterochromia is one of the coolest aesthetics the human body can muster
a very groovy mutation
Thank you, Charles Xavier.
Guys, let me tell you about orcas.
Orca whales are mean motherfuckers. They cruise the oceans with only two things in mind: one, having sex, and two, eating every poor fuck they find out there that’s smaller than them. They are such badass motherfuckers that even great white motherfucking sharks don’t dare fuck with them, which in my books, places them above the sperm whale as Biggest Badass of the Ocean. And why don’t sharks bother them, you may wonder? Because orcas fucking learned that if you flip a shark over they go into a sort of coma, so now they do it intentionally so they can eat the motherfucking sharks. Not only that, but orcas have also learned how to hunt sperm whales and motherfucking sea birds.
The orca whale lives in a matriarchal pod. Every pod has unique hunting methods and whatnot, which is passed down from parent to offspring- these scary fuckers have formed civilizations. And what do they do for fun, apart from hopping around on the water’s surface and grinning like crazy mofos? They hunt for fun, going so far as to tip over ice floes and beach themselves just for the thrill of killing.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Orca whales are too damn cute and smiley looking to be heartless predators of the sea. Well, let me counter-argue with this photo:
THOSE ARE NOT THE TEETH OF A CREATURE THAT WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND.
Reblogging for excellent commentary.
Some graffiti found in Pompeii’s ruins:
- Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!
- Restituta, take off your tunic, please, and show us your hairy privates.
- I screwed the barmaid.
- Apollinaris, the doctor of the emperor Titus, defecated well here.
- I screwed a lot of girls here.
- Sollemnes, you screw well!
- Theophilus, don’t perform oral sex on girls against the city wall like a dog.
Nice to see nothing has changed.
I love this.
I am laughing so hard
someone basically wrote “secundus is gay” on the wall humankind has not changed at all
today 11yr old brother wanted us to go outside and play with his BB gun but their dad wasn’t around, so I was like “idk, maybe we shouldn’t use it without adult supervision”
and he just stared at me and I realized
I am 20
I am an adult
I am the adult supervision
petition to make young adult authors stop writing about girls whose lives change when they meet a boy
When she saw him time slowed to a stop. He was so perfect and she knew her life would never be the same because she had finally found him. The one. The first boy she would ever kill.
We really don’t need a man to protect us.
If you say you didn’t read this in his accent, you’re a liar
"his accent" if you didnt read it in the exact same goddamn voice and tone and think of the way his head turned you’re a goddamn disgrace